Confronting past demons (or teachers)
(this post is inspired by and a continuation ofyesterday's post)
Years ago, I took an online art class. I was so excited to learn from a new teacher. But then I had to draw something for an assignment, and I just couldn't. I sat there, dumbfounded, and wondered what the heck happened.
Being well-versed at conversing with my fears, I soon had the answer: because of the mark some awful art teachers left on me in the past.
The first of the teachers I thought of was my art teacher in high school. I wasn't his best student, and I often didn't get what he wanted me to do.
One time, we had to make an action drawing. I struggled drawing a horse, and asked him what I did wrong. He scowled at me, grabbed my pencil and drew the horse for me. I only needed to colour him in and I was done.
That was the one time I got a high mark for my art. Most of it wasn't even mine.
It was so disillusioning that I dropped the class when I could.
The second teacher was at our local art centre. I disliked her from the start, as she was a bit of a bully. She was proud of the fact that she would lose most of her students by the mid point of the year, because she was strict and didn't fear scolding her students. We could either listen to her, or go away.
At one point I hadn't understood the assignment for a watercolour assignment. I asked one of my fellow students for clarification, as our teacher wasn't in the room at the time.
I set to work on my project when all of a sudden the teacher started yelling at me that I was useless and what was I doing in class if I couldn't do a simple watercolour assignment.
When my husband came to pick me up, I had a good cry in the car on the way home. I didn't touch my art supplies for a long time after.
Every time I'm hit with a sudden onset of fears or blocks, I know one thing for certain: they are always rooted in the past. There is always a reason from my past for freezing on the spot.
And the only way I can beat that?
By creating.