On lovingly forcing myself to do joyful things
The other day I wrote something about the fact that I didn't write much poetry anymore.
I really didn't like that feeling. I've always loved to write poetry, but then came my diagnosis and illness and I felt like I'd just lost my poetry.
Then I growled at myself, and wondered who said that.
Was it the mind that constantly focuses on the worst? Or was it my heart, where poetry resides?
I decided there and then, that I would grab my journal each and every day, and write a poem.
I had no excuse. Nothing to hide behind.
The first poem felt like an epic struggle between my heart and my mind. It's so wobbly and wonky but it's ALSO one page long.
The next day, I just put my journal in front of me, and had to write again, and I kept at it.
Sometimes, I wrote my poem just before sleeping, sometimes I started my day with it. But I wrote a poem every day! I even wrote poetry for my blog, which is the BIGGEST relief.
And something happened. My poetry began to feel like me again. It felt like coming home to somewhere I hadn't been in a long time.
I forced myself with love and it's the best gift I could give myself.
here is a poem I wrote the past weekend. I'm not transcribing it, I just wanted to show the joyful scratching :)
Then yesterday I started to lovingly force myself to do something else: walking on my walking pad.. The one rule: I had to walk 1 minute a day. That's it. 1 minute.
I set the walking pad to a speed that was at the top of what I felt I could do, just to show myself I could do it.
I think I walked for six minutes.
I haven't walked today, yet. That's okay. I can walk before bed.