Neko

Sylvia's Studio

the good and silly things I did when I thought I would die soon

At the start of October 2024, I was recovering from a long stay in hospital (almost two months in total) and I was so very tired.

I had heard in September that I would most likely not get the surgery that would extend my life, and I was basically sent home with the message that the cancer would win and I would die soon.

And I did so many things, some good, and some not good. I thought it would be great to look back and look at everything I did in October last year to live with death as my constant companion. It's good to laugh my ass off at myself for things I did, some I'm still fixing to this day.

  1. Let me start off with a stupid thing, I went through my passwords and deleted all logins for shops, fun sites I used, and such. Within a few weeks, I had to create logins all over again, as I needed to buy things at the drugstore lol
  2. I made a document with all the passwords for things like streaming services and gave it to my husband. That was smart at the time, although I now realise I have changed some of those passwords in the meantime.
  3. I wrote a text for on my death announcement cards and chose an artwork I made for it.
  4. I threw out clothes that I couldn't wear at that time, because they weren't loose fitting, mostly hoodies, and I miss them all so so much!
  5. I went ALL nerdy with the organisation system next to the bed, everything had a place and it was completely anal. It's a lot less organised now, but I love that I can instantly grab what I need.
  6. I threw away a lot of zipfiles in my archive folder, thinking I would keep my husband from having to sort through it all. Oh boy, that was the most stupid thing in hindsight, because I still don't know where some of the things I wrote in the years past can be found now :D
  7. I wrote my husband a letter he should read after I died. Of course I told him to read it within a day or two :)
  8. I tore up old journals. This is a practice I have been keeping for years, every time I felt a cycle coming to an end, perhaps? I kept the things that made me happy, and that's in a glue book I love to leaf through.
  9. I decluttered a LOT, only keeping things for my favourite crafts etc. I do have some regrets 😂 (and had to rebuy some things)
  10. I sorted all the paperwork. That was a great thing, also because I decluttered a lot of crap we didn't need to keep.
  11. I built a morning routine for all my medications etc. That one is SO beneficial. It's all baked in, even if I now I take way less meds. My alarm goes at 8, and I automatically take meds, do self care, etc, all automatically.
  12. I put everything I used on a regular basis in see through pouches. No more searching in boxes etc for things. Everything in view is the way to go!
  13. I decided to keep my crafting simple. No more complex patterns and fancy stitches. That one stuck. The fancy stitches ARE pretty, but who has time for that?
  14. I forced myself to go to the office and create EVERY day. Looking at those notebooks makes me so sad, and I think I need to tear them apart/use the snippets for art journaling. You can see I wasn't inspired, most pages are just one big fat blur of colours.
  15. I've saved the BIG one for last: Memento Mori became my driving force. Every time anxiety took over, or every time I started to feel down and dejected and fearful, I told myself: "remember you're going to die, do you want to die feeling like this? Or Do you want to feel joy in every moment of every day?" I'm constantly reminding myself that I can choose how I feel. I fill my days with so much joy, finding it in the simplest things. As a result, I'm a much happier person than I was before my diagnosis.

I bet I could add more to this, but I have to sit in the sunlight, smile, and fold laundry, so I'm going back to that.

#noodling